Going To Push Myself

For quite some time now I have been searching for something to do business wise, something that will push me to new heights in my personal growth. I have searched high and low. I felt in a deep way that I want it to be something to do with health and wellness. My health journey began in 2010 when I went to see a nutritionist for the first time ever. I knew nothing about health and nutrition before that day. The only thing I knew about food is that I loved it and it made me feel good. Now there is nothing particularly wrong with loving food, matter of fact I still love food to this day and I feel very good about that. However my relationship with food has changed from back then. I have found an appreciation towards food now and I understand a bit more about the impact the food we put into our bodies has on us physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I have also been learning about alternative ways to treat my family with essential oils. My first introduction to Essential Oils was back in 2012 when my first child was born and I began doing some research into the department of medicine. The first time my daughter got sick I nearly panicked-- What do I do? Do I take her to the doctor, I didn't want to do that because I understood the repercussions of that and I didn't feel like I wanted to deal with it. So I began learning about oils and how to treat my babies whenever we had a bug in the house. Before long I was sold, I knew they worked.

I have been using oils ever since, I've tried oils from a few different companies and brands. I mostly used oils when we were sick but not on a daily basis until November of 2016 after doing more extensive research I made the decision to become a Wellness Advocate with DoTerra. I absolutely have fallen in love with these beautiful oils, they are truly a gift from God. I believe they work because I've seen it first hand. 

My favorite, go to and most used oils at our house are:

On Guard; (On Guard protects against environmental and seasonal threats with essential oils known for their positive effects on the immune system. dōTERRA On Guard can be taken internally on a daily basis to maintain healthy immune function and support healthy cardiovascular function. It can also be used on surfaces throughout the home as a non-toxic cleaner.) 

Lavender; (Lavender has been cherished for its unmistakable aroma and its beneficial properties for thousands of years. Lavender is widely used and accepted for its calming and relaxing qualities. For aromatic, topical, or dietary use. I love Lavender!

--Oregano; (Oregano has been used for centuries as a cleansing agent as well as for digestive and respiratory support. Oregano contains phenolic acids and flavonoids and antioxidants. For aromatic, topical, or dietary use. Dilute if applied topically.) This is a hot oil and it'll sting if you do not dilute it. When I feel like I am coming down with a cold I take a drop of this in 4oz of water and it never fails to knock it out cold! 

Serenity; MMM I love this one! It's a restful blend I use it almost every night.   (Serenity calms emotions while creating a sense of peace and well-being.)

• Features Lavender, Cedarwood, Ho Wood, Ylang Ylang, Marjoram, Roman Chamomile, Vetiver, Vanilla extract, Hawaiian Sandalwood
• Creates a perfect escape with its calming, renewing fragrance
• Promotes feelings of relaxation and a restful sleeping environment

There are more but currently these are the most used oils in our home.

I am in love with learning more about the beauty of Essential Oils, learning about them has completely changed the way we treat illnesses at our house. 

If you are reading this and want know more about how you can use them and take control of your health and wellness feel free to contact me via this blog or Facebook and I will be happy to help in any way I can. 

Bye for now~ Clara 

 

 

Feeling Lost and Alone

Have you ever woke up and wondered what the heck am I doing? Perhaps feeling lost and alone....

This morning was such a morning for me. It does not matter how much I think I have my life together every now and then I'll have a day like this and it takes me some time to unravel from this feeling. Today I'm not sure where it's coming from.

Is this feeling my own, is it coming from the collective, or is it financial stress coming to me because of the location transition we are in? It has me on my knees. I have zero patience with my kids, I finally locked myself in my room and now I'm writing in hopes to make some sense of this all. Thank God it's Sunday and Abe can be with the kids or else I'd shove a movie in front of them so I can be alone for a minute as I get it together. How is it possible to feel like I have it together one day and the next I feel like I know absolutely nothing about what the heck it is that I am doing? I could blame it on a million things, lack of support, lack of understanding, lack of money, lack of this lack of that. It could be whatever, but is that really true? Is it true that there is lack in my life? Because when I look around me I have everything I need right now. I have everything coming to me. Is it lack of trust, or a lack of believing that I am taken care of? Is it my own mind that is bringing on this feeling of lost and aloneness? What is causing this, what has happened? Could it be that I have thought a little to much about the how of things, instead of just trusting that everything is working out? I have a feeling maybe this is it. I have a feeling this is exactly it. Because when you put all of yourself out there and you go all the way there is no room for looking at the how. There is no way you can ever know exactly how things are going to work out. You can only know what you want and then take the next step. The now and the next step is the only thing about your journey you can know at this moment. So is living in the moment the key to living a full on good life? Hmmm I think I found my answer. I feel much better now.

We can only know what we want and the next step to take. And the rest we need to find a way to trust that everything is always working out for us. We are not alone, we have help, so much help!!  There is a bigger part of us that we need to become aware of in order to know and believe this. This bigger part of us is the God part of us. We did not come here alone, we are so loved! We are loved beyond what most of us can imagine. I am going to go now and embrace this amazingness called life. Be well my friends.  

Is What You Are Feeling Yours?

Did you know it is possible, that what you are feeling is not yours? Are you a very sensitive person, do you feel a lot? are you what is called an empath? Empaths are people who are very compassionate and are extremely sensitive to what is happening around them. Empaths can easily know what someone else is feeling even before that other person is aware of what they are feeling. Being an empath can feel like a curse when we don’t know the difference in what we are feeling whether its our own or coming from someone else. Empaths can easily pick up the emotions of the collective consciousness. Collective consciousness being the emotions of the majority of the people around them. 

I am one of those people, I feel everything. I have and still have to at times learn the difference between the emotions that are mine and the emotions I am picking up from the collective consciousness or another person who I am close to or who I have come in contact with.  An empath can be happy as a lark one minute and the next they don’t know what hit them. When we are not aware of this we often can be tossed to and fro by the sea of emotions out there. The single most important thing I can do as an empath is to discover how to know the difference between the emotions that belong to me and the emotions that belong to someone else. 

As an empath we need to be kind to ourselves. We will want to learn how to excuse ourselves when we walk into a room and the energy feels heavy with negativity, this is not a place we want to be and it is ok leave. Now in some cases we won’t be able to leave, in some cases we are going to have to stay and work through some things. In those cases remember who you are and be very honest with yourself.  

As an empath we are easy targets for people who take advantage of our sensitivity. People who are needy will come to us and stick to us like glue. This is not necessarily a bad thing, the thing that can get us into trouble is that we often feel like it is our job to fix them and most people don’t want to be fixed so we end up getting stuck with all the emotions and stuff from these people who come to us with their problems and when we don’t know the difference we can get caught up in their problem to the point where we feel like their problems are our own and we can easily fall into the same ditch they are in. Hence why so many of us struggle with depression.  It is important for us to understand that we cannot fix anyone. Only they can help themselves, we can help them learn how to help themselves but we cannot fix what is not ours. We can only take care of our own emotions.  

So what happens when we pick up emotions that are not ours and we take them our own? They take us for a ride and we don’t have a clue? We will get depressed. Why? We feel out of control, because we are out of control. That emotion, it doesn’t matter how much you try to change it, will not change. Why? Can you change something that is not your own? Of-course not. The thing we want to do as empaths is to begin by sorting through the emotions we feel and find out which ones are ours and which ones are not. The one that are not ours send them back to where they came from with love attached and the ones that are ours begin to understand where they come from. One of the single most beneficial things for me to learn as an empath was this. It has helped me grow and it has helped me to embrace myself in a whole new way. For the most part being an empath has become much more of a blessing now instead of feeling like a curse. We are not taught this stuff from our parents or in school because most people don’t know about this. 

The most beautiful thing about being an empath is that when we are in tune with who we truly are we are some of the most compassionate, insightful and trustworthy people out there. We are both healers and teachers and there is so much we can offer to the world as long as we take care of what is ours and let go of what is not. 

Make Hurtful Comments Your Teacher

When someone delivers pain to people it is always a sign that they themselves carry pain. They most likely don't even realize they are doing this because they are probably doing it subconsciously. We put out what we hold within. We can never hide what is in our heart because it will alway show itself through our actions. We can say all kinds of things but ultimatly our actions prove what we really believe and how we really feel. We vibrate at the vibration we hold within.

Recently I had a friend tell me something someone had said about me. At the time I thought nothing much of it. I didn't think it would affect me because the person that said this thing about me doesn't know me very well. They think they do but they only know me from their perspective, they don't know me personally. But this thing ended up affected me much more then I thought it would. Probably because I gave to much thought to it. Or maybe because I needed to learn something from it.

When you hear something that was said about you and it is hurtful, what do you do with it? You can dwell on it, you can examine it, you can wonder about what made that person say such a thing, you can try to see it from their point of view there are a million different ways you can go with something like this. For me I didn't ponder it to much or so I thought---but for some reason it had more of an affect on me then I thought it would. It began to shut me down, until I became aware of what was happening to me. I didn't even really realize it until a couple week later when I was having a conversation with Abe an it came to the surface through our conversation. I immediately became aware that it was this that was shutting me down because when it came to the surface it arose deep feelings within me. And I have learned that anytime something happens and it arises these deep feelings within me, to pay attention and explore where they come from. When I explore them I can learn from it and move on. When I don't explore them they keep controlling me subconsciously and it affects everything that I do.

This persons thoughts on me are that I am a very bitter woman. And they think that, based on my blog posts. He mentioned that he has read every blog post that I wrote.  It's funny to me that they even read my blog. If you are reading this you know who you are. Why do you come here if you think I am such a bitter woman? What do you get out of my writings if you think that? You must like to read things written by people who in your opinion are bitter people. Did you know that what you think of someone has more to do with you then it has with them? Did you know that your judgments about someone have much more to do with your own experience in life and less to do with that other person? The fact that you call me a bitter woman tells me much more about you then about me. But in case you'd like to know I took what you said and I examined it carefully within myself to see if I might be a bitter woman like you say I am and this is what I have found. I have found that I am not a bitter woman but in fact I am quite the opposite. You see if I were a bitter woman I would be out their trying to hurt other people, I would be out there gossiping about other people because I would be feeling pretty shitty about myself. I would be running around like a madwoman blaming other people for my life because I wouldn't be able to admit that I am responsible for where I am at in my life. I would be miserable and I would be doing my best to make everyone around me miserable. 

 I understand where you are coming from, I understand why I might look like a bitter woman to you because I no longer hold the same beliefs you do about what/who God is. It is really a sad thing when we feel the need to attack someone just because they have chosen a different way of life then we have. I have no problem with you questioning me. Ask away I actually enjoy this kind of conversation because it makes me have to think and it keeps me from being stagnant in my beliefs, it helps me to grow.

Since I have now worked through this idea that was presented to me about me being a bitter woman I can truly say to you, dear one, Thank you. You have been one of my teachers in this way. I can wholeheartedly say, thank you, because your judgment of me has given me the opportunity to examine myself, grow and learn even more. You see, everything, even the the people who are out to hurt us can be our teacher when we are willing to take a honest look at ourselves and consider everything. This takes practice but it is so helpful to learn. In this way we become consciously aware of who we are. And the more we do this work, the less we get attached to beliefs and things that are not who we are and that do not belong to us. We learn to think and we learn be the powerful, amazing, infinite beings that we truly are. We are beings with no limits, we can create anything and everything we desire, that is the definition of infinity and that my friend is who we all are.

When someone smacks your left cheek turn your right cheek also. In other words when someone intends to hurt you. Let it be your teacher, learn from it. In this way they can not control you, you take control of yourself by learning from it. And that is like pouring hot coals on their already inflamed head and what happens is their accusations will be turned right back on themselves. What you put out comes back to you always. In other words when you set a snare for another person you will end up the one being caught in it. It's like drinking poison hoping the other person will die. It really is insanity at it's best when you think about it. But it seems we all must do this thing until we learn from it. I know I had to.  Turning the other cheek does not mean becoming a victim or a doormat. To me it means consider what they are saying and make a conscious decision to learn form it then move on. 

Much love and peace to you all. 

 

 

Healthy Mind Body And Spirit

So on my first day of consciously moving towards a better more efficient life for me and my family I am considering my schedule. It is proven that humans accomplish much more when they create somewhat of a schedule for their daily lives. I have been battling with this for the past like--- forever. I used to have a schedule until I had my babies then my life got a whole lot crazier. I have attempted numerous times to create somewhat of a schedule but I always seemed to kind of loose traction after a while. I think the reason why I tended to get off track is because I am an all in or all out kind of person and while this can be a great thing when needing to get things done it can also work against me when there is a lack of balance. I am having to learn that when something doesn't go quite on schedule to gracefully work around it instead of just giving up. I don't want to become so addicted to a schedule that I go crazy when something isn't exactly as I had it planned. There is definitely a balance that needs to happen for me here.

The way I am going about it this time is to make sure I always start my morning off with fifteen to thirty minutes of meditation right after I get up at 4:50 in the morning followed by writing in my Gratitude journal all the things I am grateful for. This way I am preparing myself mentally for whatever the day brings. Meditation can help in so many ways and for me right now it gets me connected with my higher self/God and it helps me to get grounded and stay grounded as I go about my day. When something unexpected does come up I am able to respond with a clear mind instead of reacting with an unstable mind. After meditation and writing in my Gratitude Journal then I ease my way into my day with a cup of coffee or tea. I am considering the coffee. I am not addicted to it but I do enjoy it. I am just going to listen to my body if I feel that drinking coffee is not in the best interest of my health and wellbeing then I will eliminate it from my diet and drink tea instead. I love drinking something warm on cold mornings.

I have this instinct knowing that how my morning starts off plays a huge factor in how the rest of my day goes. So thats the reason why I am creating a habit in that area first. 

A Conscious Journey ~ Mind Body And Spirit

The time has come. For a while now I have been sensing that the next step in my journey has something to do with loosing my excess weight. I don’t have all the answers but I am being asked to take a conscious step in that direction. I struggled with weight issues and poor body image for most of my early life. In the last 7 yrs I have been able to maintain my weight and I wonder if my staying at this weight has something to do with me letting go of the past and building my future? I wonder if by making a conscious decision to understand who I am and being willing to put myself out there is where the foundation for my future success is going to be built on? I wonder if me making a conscious decision to understand this body that I used to hate is the very thing that is going to bring me into the work that I came here to do? Because it seems every time I make an effort to go forward I sort of hit a brick wall and my attention is always brought back to my body somehow. I want to understand this. 

 

You see about seven years ago I went on a journey to better health and it worked amazing until I came up against emotions I didn’t know how to deal with and I ended up loosing myself in those emotions. I kind of got stuck. I had learned how to eat better but I had not learned how to understand my emotional self. This time around I want to implement everything I have learned about nutrition and emotional wellbeing and see how far I can take this. I want to see how far I can take this and how much of an amazing life I can create. I know it’s possible, it’s all about putting to practice the things I have learned over the past 7 years and experimenting on myself. 

 

I want to share this journey that I am about to take. I know I am not the only one who wants to improve their wellbeing in Mind, Body and Spirit. And if my journey can help someone who is also wanting to create a better wellbeing in Mind Body and Sprit then it will make this journey even more worthwhile. I want to feel the amazingness of living like the powerful being that I know I am. I want to master this with excellence. I know by embarking on this journey with openness I will learn so much more then I know now and my mind will be opened to so much more of who I am. I look forward to what will be created in this next year. And I look forward to all that will come into my life because of taking the opportunity to learn more and putting into practice everything I have learned and am still learning.  

 

Cheers- to creating a life that I have only dreamed of. 

Are You Giving Your Power Away?

Needing someone else’s love and approval is like giving away your power. 

Why?

Because when your happiness or self worth depends on the love and approval off someone other then yourself you are really giving that person the power over your happiness. You cannot control what the other person chooses to do. You can try to control them but in the end you will always loose. You can only control what is you. You also become vulnerable to the fact that they can now play with your emotions and make you do things that you don’t want to do. Remember it is not them that began this game it is you when you chose to give your power away to them when you decided you cannot live without them and you need their love and approval to be happy. This happens mostly to people who have not yet found the love within themselves for their own life.

When we become aware of our inherent value and fall in love with our life we also realize that every other person or thing has the same value as we do. We learn to respect ourselves and we don’t allow anyone to disrespect us. We don’t demand respect from anyone because we won’t have to. We just simply say what we mean and mean what we say. All the rest will fall into place. Our decisions become a simple yes or no and when we begin to live this way people will know that you know what you want and they will not try to persuade you any other way. 

When we become clear about what it is that we want and who we are the people who are not meant to be in our life will move on (let them go) and the people who are meant to be in our life will show up. All you have to do is, be you. Find out what makes you happy and do that. Find out who you are and be that. Do what makes you happy and your people will show up, when you are happy most likely you will attract to yourself happy people who appreciate you for who you are. Be patient. 

Living in a way where my happiness depends on someone else is exhausting. I wouldn’t say this without having experienced this in my own life. I spent years of my life seeking approval and love from those around me. I used to wonder why people don’t get it, I used to believe people are mean and inconsiderate and just plain selfish. I used to wonder why their are so many loveless people who don’t seem to care how I feel and it made me want to leave this godforsaken place. This world felt like a cold and heartless place to be in. I felt like I don’t belong here—until the day I found love and appreciation within myself and with everything around me. It was not until I began to feel love within my own self, for myself, that I began to realize that my perception about those around me had nothing to do with them at all, but it has everything to do with me and how I have decide to see the world based on what I have chosen to believe. When we become attached to beliefs and become unwilling to question them they can hold us hostage and keep us from understanding our highest potential. We all hold greatness within ourselves, we all have equal opportunity to become whatever it is that we wish to become and to live the life we wish to live. No one of us is a victim to life. Our journey may look different but the goal is the same--to learn what it is we need to learn so we can go on to create what it is that we desire to create. We are all creators, whether we realize it or not. We all create something. Most of us simply create unconsciously and most of the time when we do it unconsciously we tend to make a pretty big mess of things before we finally realize what is happening. 

If this is you, ask yourself- why do I believe what I believe? Ask yourself, Is this a belief that is my own or have I adopted it from someone else? This is perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves. Because when we do this honestly with ourselves it opens up our minds to really consider why and what we believe and whether the beliefs we’re holding on to are our own or someone else’s. 

This is just one way we can learn to step into our infinite power. 

 

 

 

On March 1st we moved into our new home in Boulder Colorado. 

 

Two years ago before we had moved from North Dakota to Montana, Colorado had been on the list for us too. But since we were moving to get away from people and to prepare for what we thought was the end of the world coming, we decided to go to Montana where their are less people and where we thought we had a better chance to survive should the ‘shit hit the fan’. Based on survival experts the North West is a better place to live should this happen. So since we were all caught up in this fear based-run for our lives-they are out to get us, type of thinking we made our decision to go to Montana based on what the survival experts say.

We loved and still love all that Montana has to offer, it is definitely a beautiful place and living there for two years was amazing but it was time to for us to leave. Our hearts were calling us elsewhere and we have learned to follow our hearts and go after the things that feel right to us, and not just go by what others think is right for us. 

 

The day we let go of fear and we no longer make decisions based on fear but instead we begin to make decisions based on where our heart is leading us and based on love and compassion a whole new world opened up to us. For the first time I realized how absolutely amazing the human mind is. Did you know that two people who live in the same exact space/environment can create a completely different experience and reality? Your reality is based solely on how you look at things or the lens you look through to look at things. You can create the exact reality that you want to experience. Have you heard of the idea that when you don’t like something and you want to change it, all you have to do is change the way you look at it and the whole thing will change? Our reality has much more to do with how we look at things and less to do with the actual circumstance.  The exact same thing can happen to many different people but every other person has created a different reality about that thing based on the way they perceived it in their minds eye. So something can be a curse to one person and the exact same thing can be a blessing to the next person. Life becomes magical when we begin to see the powerful beings that we are. Isn’t it amazing how we keep growing and learning as humans? I am so in love with life since I learned this. I used to be chained up with fear. I would make most of my decisions base on fear instead of love and compassion. I am so thankful that I decided to let go of fear and have chosen love instead. Love is the way, love is always the way. Love is much easier to live with then fear and hate. Why do you think that most spiritual teacher who’ve made such a big impact in the world spoke about this thing called love? Might it be that love is the answer to everything? I would be willing to bet that it is. 

A sunset that my husband captured in the Arizona desert. 

A sunset that my husband captured in the Arizona desert. 

Married And Free...

I am also working on getting my drivers license but, since I don’t have my Social Security Number I need to get that first. This process takes 6 to 8 weeks and it can’t happen soon enough. Meanwhile I am looking for a job. I want a job but I am so insecure and nervous. I feel out of place everywhere I go and that is making me not enjoy being with anyone. I don’t enjoy my job very much. I can’t figure out what is wrong with me, this is suppose to be more fun. My head is so full of unanswered questions I feel like it may explode! I am so confused, there is so much I don’t understand. I am miserable! I try to do everything they tell me to do, ‘they’ being our new family, the M Family. I tell myself if I just do as they say and keep growing in my faith in Jesus everything will turn out right. But I hate myself, I believe there must be something wrong with me, I don’t understand why it is so hard. 

 

Abe and I are hardly ever alone anymore, and when we are alone we are watched closely. Our world has gone from what we thought was hell to something that we didn’t understand at all. We were not living for us anymore, instead we were trying hard to live up to the expectations the M Family had put on us, and what we believe God wants from us. It was nearly unbearable. We were living in such a state of fear. Fear of going to hell if we don’t do as they say and fear of them not letting us get married if we make any wrong move. I don’t know what I was thinking, I don’t know why we didn’t just leave and get out of there. Our minds were so confused, we just didn’t understand what was happening to us or what to do about it.

 

What was happening to us? Since we knew very little about what we wanted in life, we had lost our way. In our attempt to do what was ‘so called’ right in the eyes of the people we were with, we had lost all sense of the direction that was right for us. I hated my life but I didn’t know how to get out so we kept going. We kept doing what they say for five of the most excruciating months I had ever known. We finally mustered up enough courage to ask if we could get married, we thought surly we have proved ourselves enough, we felt like we were ready. It didn’t look hopeful at first. Their was the weekly mens meeting at church and since the men are the ones who make all the decisions the topic was brought up and they discussed whether they thought we are ready to take the step into marriage or not. Most of the men who were there didn’t think it was a good idea. But thank god, there was one man who spoke up and asked the question. Why not let them get married?  And so after discussing it some more they came to an agreement that they would let us get married there. We began planning the wedding right away.

 

 I didn’t want much of a wedding, in fact, I didn’t have much of an idea what I wanted. I had become so used to giving up the things I wanted that my desire for anything had kind of died. I just wanted to get the wedding over with. 

 

We ended up having a beautiful wedding, we had so much help. The M Family paid for pretty much the whole thing. We did not ask them to, we would have been happy with a small wedding. A Ceremony and some snacks afterwards. But it ended up being so much more then that. I was so unnerved by all the help from so many people, I didn’t know how to receive it. In my life I had learned that anytime someone gave something to me they expected something in return. Throughout this whole time I felt like they were buying us. And I was thinking I can never do enough to repay them. Dang, why can’t I just enjoy all this goodness? It is very possible that they were simply just doing all these things from their heart and not expecting anything in return, I can’t know for sure. It just felt extremely uncomfortable to me. 

 

My sister and my cousin put together a beautiful Bridal Party for me. I owe so much to my dear sister Rebecca, she is truly a gem. I love you Rebecca! It was really nice and I am forever grateful to everyone who helped make it a good time. The sad thing is I honestly can’t say I enjoyed it all very much, I was so out of my element and as I look back I can see why. I was just a shell of me back then, I was in my body but I was performing a life that was not me. My life was made up of things I thought I had to do in order to be accepted by those around me. 

 

The wedding day approached and there was way to much to do, I did not want it to be this way, I wanted it to be relaxed and simple I do not know how it got to be this chaotic! Actually I know now, I should’ve just spoke up and said what I wanted instead of going along with everything every other person thought I wanted. Ugh it was so frustrating, thank god it was almost over! There must be something wrong with me that I am not enjoying day more. My brother who has also left the Amish has come all the way from North Dakota to be with us on our special day. Many many of my Great Uncles and Great Aunts and my Cousins whom I had only learned of since we left came, plus most of the community we were now part of. There was quite a crowd. It was a happy occasion but also stressful for me. Neither my parents or Abe’s parents or any of our Amish family came to our wedding. And even though it was not a day that I would have planned, had, I had the freedom to do as I choose, it was a day filled with love and for that I am truly grateful! I have a film of our wedding, I think I am going to watch it again just to get the feel of what it was like. HA!

 

The end of the day could not come soon enough, we wanted to get out of there. Part of me felt guilty for wanting to leave but, somehow I knew this is the beginning of our freedom. We had booked our Wedding night at a cabin nearby so we went straight there after we left the wedding. The whole time leaving the wedding felt so surreal. We are finally free! Free to be together, free to do whatever we please with no one watching and no one to answer to! I think it is fair to say, it took our minds a while to catch up to that realization especially after being under such strict supervision for so long! It didn’t matter anymore, we are finally free! 

 

I expected things with Abe and I to go back to where they used to be, but interestingly enough it seemed as though we had to get to know each other all over again. Our minds were so full of the things we had been taught by Mr and Mrs M, which we had now accepted as truth and it had affected us much more then I ever thought possible. You see we had still not learned how to think for ourselves so this new life was as painful as it was lovely. Learning to think for oneself is no joke, it can be painful, especially when there is resistance within oneself to what the heart wants. My mind is telling me one thing and my heart another. I don’t know the difference and it is causing me a lot of frustration! 

 

We are at the cabin, we sit and we try to relax. We make love, we feel what it feels like to once again touch each other and do all those things people who are in love do. It felt strange to go from feeling like it was sin to do these things one day and then the day after we are married it is totally expectable. Wow, maybe that doesn’t happen to anyone else but for me that made little sense. But it had to be true and right because thats what we are taught in the church, right? Well at least we don’t have to wait for three days after we are married to have sex, like most Amish communities do. You may be laughing but, that is really the truth. they say you should take three days after you are married and pray for your future family and after the third day you can have sex. 

 

We are so excited to go play for a week, we booked a 7 night Honeymoon stay in a cabin in the Smokey Mountains….. We feel like our life of freedom is just beginning and we are so excited!

 

To be continued…

Abe and I one month before our wedding.

Abe and I one month before our wedding.

Walking out after getting married... Woohoo! 

Walking out after getting married... Woohoo! 

My sweet sister Rebecca and I. 

My sweet sister Rebecca and I. 

My brother, sister and I. This is the only immediate family that was present at our wedding. I love this picture of us!

My brother, sister and I. This is the only immediate family that was present at our wedding. I love this picture of us!

Love Story/Leaving The Amish Church- Part 5

My heart is racing, the day has finally come, I am leaving this place, just being here has begun to feel like a nightmare from hell. 

 

They are on the way here to pick me up. In my opinion it can not happen soon enough. All I can think of is, I want to get out of here before my parents change their mind and decide they want me to stay after all. If they decide they want me to stay, it is going to cause problems with me going to this new community and so every step I took towards getting out of there felt like I was stepping on needles. It felt like my life was being juggled in the hands of someone else. 

 

They are finally here, I see Abe and all I want to do is run to him and hold him close. I don’t. Why don’t I? We are in a unique situation now. We are leaving the Amish and we think we are stepping into more freedom, but are we? We are being watched, they know from what we have come and in this new community they also believe we should keep our hands off of each other until we are married, they call it a ‘pure courtship’. They believe it is a way to honor God and it can keep you from experiencing all kinds of marital problems.  I kept telling myself I am doing the right thing by not touching him, but my heart tells me otherwise, I no longer listen to my heart. I believe my heart is evil and I believe I need to prove to myself that I can beat my heart into submission, with the help of God. 

 

I don’t remember much about that moment of packing up the van and actually leaving, I’m not sure why. Maybe it was such a surreal moment in time that it all just kind of happened. I do remember getting to the place where Abe was staying and meeting the family, ‘we are going to call them, The M Family’ for privacy sake’. They are super nice people they do so much for us. I feel like I can’t thank them enough, they provided everything and more then we could’ve ever imagined. They provide for us like we are there own children but, what we don’t yet realize is that they expect for us to act like their own children too. About now is when we begin to live our life for them, not for us. It is such an interesting situation to be in. We think we are free but, instead we are in the exact same mental predicament we were in, when we were Amish. The material things in our life has changed a bit, we dress a bit different, we drive cars, we have a bit more modern conveniences but, the mental game is the same, or worse….

 

That first week after we got there we were at The M Family house a lot. Mr. M wanted to make sure we have the Salvation thing down right, so he thought it would be a good idea for Abe and I to confess all our sins and ask Jesus into our heart while we are with them to make sure that we do it right. They told us we need to confess and ask for forgiveness for all the things that we can think of that we had done wrong in our life leading up to that point. I would go with his wife to a private place and Abe stay with him, I don’t know why we can’t just all stay together? I think they honestly believed they are doing the right thing, but it felt so unbelievably weird to be doing this. Mr M wanted to make sure that we confess a few things in particular and that was anything we did together and if we have had struggled with masterbation, and done it. He wanted to make sure we know to ask for forgiveness and ask Jesus for help to overcome those two evil things in particular. Whew, now it was out, I was so embarrassed. Why did he need to know that? He is also the one that told me that women should cover their ankles because it can be a turn on for some men. Ok now I was getting a bit creeped out. Oh well, maybe it’ll make me feel better and help me feel cleaner and more pure if I confess. I don’t know if I’m able to put into words just how much I hated myself at this point. I believed I was evil and worthless but the only thing that gave me any right to even live and show face is the fact that Jesus has saved me from the worthless, evil human I am. 

 

 

We are exploring all that we possibly can, that is, as much as we are allowed to, since we are now being expected to follow the guidelines of this new community called The Charity Group. We want to do the right thing, what is the right thing anyway? Since we are not able to decide for ourselves what is the right thing, we just go by what the people we are around, say is the right. Growing up in a religion where I am taught from a young age what is right and wrong according to the church, and I am taught to follow that and nothing else, makes the thought of thinking for myself nonexistent. I don’t know what it even means to think for myself. For some reason I believe that anything I think or do is wrong and someone else knows what is best for me. It was a war that went on within my mind on a daily basis. I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing, but why? What is the reason I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing?  Is it because I have such a fear of displeasing the God who I believe has the power to destroy me at any given second, if I mess up? Why am I so scared of doing the wrong thing? 

 

Abe is working on getting his drivers license, so that he can drive himself to work at his new job. He is enjoying it but, he remembers what his dad used to say, ‘If you get behind the wheel, that machine is going to take you straight to hell’. And he remembers all the fear mongering that goes on within the Amish communities about the people that leave the church and then start driving that evil machine. The fear they put into us about getting into an accident creeps up in his mind every once in a while but, he manages to push the thought away. He is working on retraining his mind from once believing it is wrong to drive a vehicle to now believing it is ok. Working with our mind, is probably the hardest thing for those of us who are leaving. Our mind can play tricks on us. When we’ve been taught one thing our whole life and now we want to change that belief for something better, it can take some time before we finally get it, that it’s ok to do some of the things we’ve been taught are wrong. We are slowly learning to think for ourselves. For me one of the most painful parts of leaving was having to learn to think for myself. My mind had become lazy and I did not enjoy learning, I hated change with every fiber of my being. I wanted someone else who was smarter then me and more experienced then me to tell me what to do, or did I? I was having to make a choice, do I want to think for my self or do I want others to run my life by letting them do the thinking for me?

 

This is a photo of Abe and I taken the first week of us leaving the Amish Church. When I look at this photo it makes me want to reach out and give ourselves a hug. There is so much written on our faces here, uncertainty and pain is what this photo speaks of.  I am so thankful however, to see how far we have come. I love my life!

This is a photo of Abe and I taken the first week of us leaving the Amish Church. When I look at this photo it makes me want to reach out and give ourselves a hug. There is so much written on our faces here, uncertainty and pain is what this photo speaks of.  I am so thankful however, to see how far we have come. I love my life!

Love Story/Leaving The Amish Church- Part 4

Was this Gods way of punishing me for all the bad things I had done? Is that why I am having to stay behind? My life is feeling to me like hell, there is nothing left here for me, no part of me wants to be here. I am still here but my heart is somewhere else. It feels like I am in a dark tunnel with no end in sight, I am grabbling in the darkness for something, but I'm not sure what to look for. How do I get out of this situation, I don't want to stay here for 2 more years. Why should I have to? I am feeling like I can't get out, but I need to get out, I need to find a way. So I do the only thing I can think of, to do. I keep sharing my newfound faith and love for Jesus,  the one who has taken all my sins away and washed me clean. I share this with whomever I can and whomever will listen. It works. Not even a week has gone by and they want me out. My parents don't want to be bothered with the preachers coming after them, because of my spreading this new belief and 'so called' deception. This deceiving new belief, the idea that we can be saved, not by our works, but by our faith in Jesus alone, this kind of belief does not fit in the Amish belief system but in fact, is extremely dangerous in the mind of most Amish communities. Believing this way will be the result of many members leaving the church. The only reason so many stay is because of the fear they have of going to hell for leaving. So if someone truly converts to this new belief of being saved by putting their faith in Jesus alone, they will no longer have the fear of going to hell for leaving the Amish faith, they will most likely leave. In the mind of a Amish person when someone who was born and raised Amish leaves the Amish Church, that person who leaves will be going to hell when they die. There is no hope for that person to go to heaven unless they come back and make things right with the church. This is a really scary and sad thing when you believe this way and have loved ones who leave. It is like torture the those who stay behind. Imagine believing this way and having to find a way to come to terms with the idea that your children are going to burn forever for leaving the church. I wonder if this is why those who stay back, finally just treat those of us who have left, like we don't exist. It may be easier for them to try to forget that we exist because then they are not tortured with the notion that we will burn forever, or is it that they are so scared of they themselves being deceived? Why do they push us out? Is it because of the fear they have of being deceived themselves or because of the pain it causes them to think of us and the choice we have made? 

They want me out. And I am ecstatic about it! I make the phone call, I tell Abe about it. We make plans for them to come get me. The husband of my cousin and Abe come to pick me up, along with some of my things my parents are allowing me to take with me. I move to Ohio, I move in with my sister who has also left, we live in the basement of someone who is part of the Charity Church. We are so grateful to them, they are super nice people! We are finally out! We think we are finally free..... But now we are in the hands of those who we believe have all the answers for us. We are eager to learn everything they have to teach us, we do everything they tell us to do, because we believe they know it all. We are young, we are inexperienced in a world outside of the Amish world. We just believe what they tell us. We relax, we take it all in. What we don't realize just yet is, that this is not the end of our journey, but instead this is only the beginning of years of swimming in the waters of uncertainty, we are looking for something, we know it's there, but what is it? Why are we here? As soon as we dare to think we've found it, just as soon we realize theres more. 

To be continued.....

 

Love Story Part 3

The giant within me had become slightly unleashed, I felt like I had nothing more left to loose, my community believed what they did about me and I felt like I blew it. Things were not looking good for me and I didn’t really care that much anymore what they thought of me. Abe and I began to more seriously talk about leaving the Amish Church. One of the reasons we wanted to wait and get married first was so our families could be at our wedding. But it didn’t seem worth it anymore. We wanted to leave now. 

 

I have a cousin who lives in Ohio and is part of a community of people who call themselves Charity, ‘a shoot off of the Mennonite people.’ She likes it there and we tell her about our situation, she is more then happy to help us get out of the Amish Church. She helped us get into contact with the leaders form her church. There was a ketch, since I was only 19 and the Charity people believed that children should stay in their parents home until the age of 21. Unless they are given the blessing by their parent’s to leave and go elsewhere, they were not going to allow me to come there until my parents give me their blessing. Really? There seemed to always be something. So two of the leaders from the Charity Church came to my parents home to speak with them about our situation, I was hoping we could convince my parents to give me their blessing, but they did not. They did not feel like they could feel good about giving me their blessing to go to a place that was not an Amish Community. Of-course they were hoping if I don’t go, Abe won’t go either, and then we would somehow end up staying Amish. I felt so defeated that day. I wanted to do the right thing but, it felt so wrong to stay. I don’t want Abe to go without me, but I don’t want him to stay either, just because of me. After we talked about it and I assured him that I am ok if he goes to the Charity Community and I’ll stay home until we figure something out, he left the next day.

 

My cousin came with her vehicle an we are loading up all of Abe’s belongings and he is about to leave, my heart is breaking, I can’t believe this is happening and I am staying back. I want to scream, I want to hit something, but, I want to appear to my parents as if I have it all together, I want them to see they cannot shake me. What they have done is beyond cruel. How do they have this much control over me? I kiss my beloved good-bye and they leave, every part of me wants to run after him and beg him to come back. Instead I flee to the house, I remember hearing my mother laugh, I’m not sure if she thought it was funny that Abe was leaving without me or was it a nervous laugh? It didn’t matter why she was laughing, her laughing when I was is such pain feels like a knife cutting straight through the most tender part of my heart. And it feels to me like no one cared the least. I flee to my room, I cry the most bitter cry I have ever known. There is nothing left for me here, my heart has gone with Abe when he left. 

 

The rest of the day feels like hell, I wondered how I was going to survive being away from the one person I loved the most. I realized that day just how alone I was, my family offered me no support, it seemed they thought I was an utter fool. I have no one, I am forced to go to the one thing that was supposed to comfort me and that is this new found thing called Jesus. I open my bible and try to read, it is hard to focus. I find a verse that makes me feel a bit better.

 Jesus is suppose to be my comfort when my heart is breaking and when my world is falling apart. I want to feel him close to me, I want to feel him wrap his arms around me and tell me I am going to be ok. I want a sign that he cares, I was told he does, but it seems I have to make myself believe this, who was he anyway? At this point it didn’t matter, I just wanted relief from this awful feeling, I am so confused. Finally it was evening and I was able to find relief as I fall asleep and go into a state of being, the only state of being I wanted to be in right now because reality was to painful for me to face just now. 

 

To be continued…..

Love Story Part 2

I go downstairs to meet Abe and invited him upstairs to the living room. We were finally alone. I am feeling strangely calm and at ease. The fact that I finally knew for sure that he wanted to be with me allowed me to feel tremendous relief. We are comfortably seated on the couch in the living room, the kerosene lamp flickers as its soft romantic light flows all around the room. We chat about family history for about the first hour as we inched closer and closer to each other. I can feel the heat from his body now, as our shoulders touch. He holds my hand in his as we continued to share about our lives. Our eyes meet and despite all the times I heard being said to me, No touching until you are married----about now is when that all goes out the window and we give in as we share our first kiss among kisses that lasted the rest of night. I don't want the night to end. Thinking about the night ending, feels unbearable. 12 o-clock rolled around and then 12:30, it is time to put a end to our time together, we get up and we walk outside. We hug, there is no right way to end this, there is so much left to talk about. But finally we kiss good-bye and end the date. I feel so happy. There is so much right about this, the only thing wrong is, not being together!

I felt like I could've walked out of the house and ran away with him that night if only there weren't so many hoops to jump through first! From that night on we did everything we could to be together, every chance we got. 3-4 hrs every Sunday wasn't going to cut it, in that community this was the allowed time for young couples to be together on a Sunday evening.

It was October, Abe had a cousin who was getting married in another community a couple hours away. He asked me if I want to come- of course I want too! But the hard part was convincing my parents to let me go. After the Wedding we would travel to New York with Abe's parents because Abe wanted to spend time with his family for their yearly hunting gathering. It was a tradition, they would all get together at his parents home for a week and hunt. I wanted to go so badly. I did everything I could to convince my parents to let me go. They finally agreed that I could go, on the grounds that my brother go with us too. I don't know why they thought he would help the situation. But, whatever it takes, I just wanted to be with Abe.

We went to the wedding, I didn't know a single soul there, other then Abe and my brother. It felt strange being around people I didn't know and since the men and women are not typically together in event like this, I didn't get to see Abe all day until the evening singing. The singing was over and we all got into the van that was taking us to New York to Abe's parents home. In the van were Abe's parents, his 4 brothers, two of which were married, and their wives, my brother and Abe and I. We are on our way to New York from Pennsylvania. Abe an I talked all the way, nothing mattered to me more then to be close to this man. I felt happy, safe and cared for. I've never felt this way, and it was amazing! Our love for each other was no secret, his brothers kept checking us out and making comments about the lovebird we are. We didn't care, we were in our own little world where only the two of us existed. We got to his parents home, it was late. They showed me to the room I would sleep in. I got comfortable and settled in for the night. I wondered where Abe was. I was feeling a bit alone and cold in the upstairs bedroom, It was fall and there was only one stove to heat the whole house. I hear a soft knock on the door and I go to meet Abe at the door. He has come to check on me to make sure I have everything I need. I invite him in and somehow he stays all night. I love having him with me, it feels so right, my heart tells me all is right but, in the back of my mind is fear of getting caught and the guilt of doing something that was considered by the community I lived in, the ultimate evil, sleeping together. The war within my soul is real but, I let my heart lead me on this one. 

The next day I hung around the house most of the day helping Abe's mother with cooking and cleaning until later in the afternoon Abe and I decided to go for a stroll in the woods, he had grown up, roaming in. The time we spent together in the woods feels magical. I keep thinking I need to pinch myself to see if I'm just dreaming. I have dreamed about love but, nothing that compared to this. I didn't know until now that it was possible to love another human to the point that it hurts. Being with Abe has woken up a part of me that had not yet been awakened. To be this vulnerable scares the crap out of me, but at the same time it feels so insanely good! I didn't think I could live without him and we were only officially together for a little over a month.

I'm an all in, or all out type of person and this is a time I know I want to be all in. It feels scary as hell, and the mention of hell, according to what I was told, that's where I'd be going if I kept on doing the things I was doing with Abe. It almost feels like it is worth it, it feels so right. However by the end of the trip I am feeling the guilt of all that had happened between the two of us, despite the beauty of it all. I was not sorry for loving this man and letting it be known in action, but I didn't want to burn forever for it! We couldn't seem to keep out hands off of each other but the horrible guilt I would feel afterwards made me feel a tad sick at times. I wanted to run away but where to? My love for Abe mixed with the guilt that I carried made me feel so miserable, it felt like I was in chains that I couldn't break free of. I want to follow my heart, but on the other hand my mind was telling me how evil I was being and how I am disappointing my parents and disobeying the church and God by kissing, hugging and doing all the things people do when they love each other. At one point I remember asking a few of my girlfriends, how do you do it? How do you keep from doing all those things when you love someone, they looked at me and said, you just don't, you just wait. I didn't understand that language and went home feeling like there is something wrong with me! Why can't I just be like my friends who seem to have it all together and are good girls? 'I later find out that they were not so good, some of them confess in church, after they have been married for awhile.' HA!

Our love for each other is so real, so beautiful and so true. But the guilt we both carried because of not leaving our hands off of each other, took the beauty right out of our being together. The guilt became so heavy for me that I began to wonder if it was worth it anymore. Something had to change, something had to give..... I was around this time, a rumor began to surface claiming my brother and I had done the dirty, I was shocked! Who would say such a thing, and why? The most hurtful of all was that most people chose to believe it before they even gave us the opportunity to comment on it. This was around communion time. The preachers came to talk, and they decided my brother and I along with our parents were not allowed to partake in The yearly communion because of all the chis going on with the rumor about us. Put that whole thing on top of the guilt we were already dealing with and now you have a recipe for disaster! I thought I may as well confess about not keeping my courtship with Abe pure, so I just threw that on top of all the other stuff they were saying, it made me feel a bit better now that they knew and it was no longer a secret. At this point the preachers came to Abe to talk to him and they encouraged him to stop seeing me because of the whore I am. This was enough to put me over the edge. The thing they did not know is that Abe knew I was a virgin because he was the one who I gave my heart to, he was the first man I had ever kissed and given myself to. We all know the evidence is there in a very real way, when a girl gives herself to a man for the first time. Abe was not shaken by their blabbering and I was so grateful! It made me love and appreciate him even more!

So what were we going to do, we wanted to run away but we also wanted to do the right thing. We began talking with my sister who had come home again after leaving the Amish for about a year. Occasionally she would talk to us about the peace one can feel when we give our hearts to Jesus and when we ask him to forgive our sins, this was super appealing because of the burden of guilt I was carrying. I wanted peace, I wanted to be free from the guilt I was feeling. So I shared with Abe and we began talking with her for hours on end out in her living quarters above my dads shop. Then one night I asked my sister if I could be with her when she prayed because I wanted to learn how to pray. Of course she said I could. She prayed and I liked it. It made me feel nice. So I began praying and talking to Jesus. It felt so strange to talk to something or someone that I didn't really know or see. I was told to just keep praying and believing and eventually it would all come naturally, so I did, I just wanted relief. I kept doing this until I began believing it, I believed that Jesus saved me from the evil I had done. So I began feeling better and I began sharing what is happening to me, with my friends in the community. Abe and I began talking about the possibility of leaving the Amish church after we get married.

Communion came and went, I did not partake, I confessed my sins in church for not keeping my courtship with Abe pure.

We did not hold back in sharing our new found love for Jesus who had saved us from our sins. Keeping our hands off of each other was still almost impossible but we slowed it down. At this point we did not think we were going to far, we were only hugging and kissing. 

The community did not appreciate that we were openly sharing our new found faith in Jesus with the young people but, we did not care, at this point we had nothing to loose, since the rumor came out and people believed it, I had nothing to loose so I kept speaking openly with the attitude, 'let them do what they will do,' I did not feel like I was harming anyone. And when you have nothing more to loose, well it is then that the giant within you becomes unleashed. It felt great to no longer hide behind the guilt!

To be continued........

A Glimpse Into The Beginning Of Our Love Story

It was June, the summer of 2005 on a warm sunny Saturday afternoon, I was in my room sprawled out on my bed reading a book, when I heard voices outside towards the shop. I glanced out of my bedroom window,and as I did so, my heart beat just a bit faster. I had seen this man before, but, never quite like this. I didn't move, I kept my eyes firmly planted on him for just a minute longer, before I jumped to my feet and headed to the living room window to get a better view of him. As I continued checking him out through the window, my sister Katie came over and I, in a hushed tone said to her, he looks really good, doesn't he? I wanted to see what her reaction was, to see if I could detect any hint of interest that she might have in him. I thought, if she did, I wouldn't stand a chance, because she was older, prettier and thinner then me. This day was the beginning of an exhausting two months of playing the guessing game, 'he loves me, he loves me not.' Two months of watching him every chance I got, and day dreaming about him continuously. I never felt quite this way about anyone before. In the past I had meaningless crushes on boys but nothing that compared to the way I am feeling this time. Did I dare invest my feelings and let my mind go there, was it worth it, was it worth the potential heartbreak? What if he likes my sister who is prettier then me. She is blonde and every guy seems to want a blonde and she is thinner and she is closer to his age. A battle was going on inside my chest every time I laid eyes on this beautiful Soul. What was it about him? His presence seemed to always leave me speechless. When ever he came around I became giddy with excitement but, when I had the opportunity to speak with him I'd loose my ability to utter much of anything that made any sense. I think more then anything else I was afraid of the fact that he could potentially like my sister and not me, and I wasn't sure how I would live with it, if that were the case. After all how would something this good ever be possible for me? For some reason I didn't believe I am worthy off such a good thing.

I was now July, my mother and Sister took a two week trip to Wisconsin to visit family. So it was just me, my two brothers and my father at home and somehow Abe ended up coming around quite often around that time. My brothers loved fishing and so did Abe and they would go fishing on a regular basis at our favorite spot to the Shanango River only a buggy drive away. I enjoyed fishing as well, my mother taught me at a young age how to fish. So this was the perfect situation, Abe would come over to go with my brothers fishing and I thought, perfect, I like to fish too, so I would go along any chance I got. At this point I had barely spoken two words with Abe but, just being close to him felt great to me. I hoped with all that I am, he feels the same way. And having no definite knowledge that he does, nearly made me feel sick at times. At this point my family was beginning to ketch on that I was falling madly in love with this man but, I told no one for sure! My youngest brother began teasing us and would make comments about us when we were together. We continued going fishing often when my mother and sister were away to Wisconsin. We also had a few bonfires in the backyard. August rolled around and I was getting a bit annoyed with the fact that I still wasn't 100% sure whether he liked me, there may have been a few signs but not enough for me to completely let go and let my guard down. My feelings for him were so real, I felt powerless to stop thinking about him. Then one Sunday at church, I still remember the exact spot we both were at when our eyes met across the room from each other, for a mere second we shared a moment I'll never forget. Our eyes met and it felt like magic, I know, I finally know, within my soul, he likes me. My heart felt like it was going to pop right out of my chest and the rest of the day felt like I was walking on air. After that moment I knew I had met the love of my life, as far as how it all was going to work out from there I had no way of knowing. But that day my desire to be with Abe went to a whole new level. For a while I was ok with just knowing that what I was feeling was real, I could hardly wait to leave church that day so I could share with my sister this special thing that had happened. She was happy for me. She kindly reassured me, that she did not have feelings for Abe after I questioned her yet again, just to make sure. Ha! I was so happy!

That Sunday afternoon I kept thinking maybe, just maybe he will ask for a date that night but, he didn't. So after about a week goes by I begin wondering if I had made to big of a deal about our moment in church last Sunday, since I haven't heard anything from him yet. At this point my youngest brother knew about my feelings for Abe. So he, bless his heart, did everything he could to get out of Abe if he had a interest in any of the girls in the community. My brother and Abe worked at the same place, so my brother probably didn't give Abe much of a break about it either. Finally Abe admitted that he did have feelings for me. But the reason he wasn't asking me on a date was because he was waiting until he has his new buggy that was being build in the shop. 'He was waiting on his buggy, because when a Amish boy asks a girl on a date, he takes her to her home after the singing on Sunday nights, where they spend time together until midnight. So it was kind of important to him to have a buggy before he would feel good about asking me.'

That evening when brother came home from work he immediately came running upstairs to deliver the most beautiful news I had ever heard. He claimed Abe had told him that he liked me.--- Now my brother is known at times for saying things that may be a little stretched or possibly not true, just to tease someone. So after I asked him for the fifth time, and questioned him to my satisfaction, was I convinced that he was speaking the truth. I fled to my room giddy with excitement! Oh shit! this is real, this is really true, I could hardly contain myself. This was really happening! The next Sunday church was at our neighbors, so there would be no need for a buggy to take me home. So that whole week I kept thinking about the possibility of us having our first date that coming Sunday night. Was he going to ask? My palms got sweaty every time I thought about it!

Sunday rolled around, I felt very confident, the day seemed to go on forever! Church was finally over and evening finally rolled around. It was a beautiful warm summer night, after the singing was over my sister and I walked home. Abe had parked his rig at our place earlier and walked to the singing with my brothers. So after my sister and I got home I kept listening for the boys to come home. Finally I hear them coming, my heart beats faster and the palms of my hands go clammy. What is he going to do? Is he going to ask or not? I hear my brother come up the stairs, yes, he's coming to my room, my heart is beating a thousand beats a minute- brother pops into my room and says---he wants to talk to you!!! WOAH! Whew! FINALLY!- What a relief to finnnnallllly, know, for, sure, that he wanted to be with me, he wanted to spend time with me, how could I be so lucky!?!? I said yes and we were alone for the first time since we laid eyes on each other.  What was going to happen next? Our first date did not go as I expected, then again I don't know what I was expecting..... 

 

To be continued.....

 

 

Abe and I, Probably a month or so before we left the Amish. 

Abe and I, Probably a month or so before we left the Amish. 

Abe and I, This photo was taken by my brother when we went on a hunting trip in New York where Abe's parents lived.

Abe and I, This photo was taken by my brother when we went on a hunting trip in New York where Abe's parents lived.

This is a photo of me, I was 19 and it was taken when I went with Abe on a hunting trip to New York where his parents lived.

This is a photo of me, I was 19 and it was taken when I went with Abe on a hunting trip to New York where his parents lived.

Did I Break Daddy's Heart?

Yesterday my daddy called to ask about my younger brother who is having some troubles and ended up in jail about six weeks ago. My Dad never calls unless he wants information about something. In other words, he never calls just to chat, or he has never done that up to this point. So he was asking me about why my husband and I are doing what we are doing and I proceeded to share with him a bit of the journey we are on, only to be met with some dire warnings of the terrible quest I am on. He encouraged me to get to the end of my questioning quest quickly before I get completely lost beyond any point of return. I proceeded to share with him some of the questions I have, only because he had asked about it. It was to much for him, he just couldn't stand it anymore and he said he has to go now, and gave me one last warning saying you better pray hard and fast because the road you are on is bound to get you lost forever! For a second my heart felt sad because of his close mindedness and his lack of understanding in where I am actually at in life, then my heart felt sad because of how, what I had shared with him might have ruined his day and broken his heart. Then I began to realize that the way he may or may not be feeling has nothing to do with me but, rather, everything to do with him. He has chosen the beliefs that he holds, to be true not only for him but also for everyone else. And those beliefs that he has chosen to be true, is what is making him look at me as if I am completely lost. I don't think I am lost, neither do I think anyone else is lost, Everyone has their own unique journey they are walking on and everyones journey is different. When we decide that our beliefs and journey is the only right one and someone else's beliefs and journey is wrong and they are lost, is that when we loose the ability to really see things for what they are and we become dead to any new possibilities? Is that when we now separate ourselves from others, even when they are our own flesh and blood, do we let our idea's and beliefs separate us from the very people who we could be learning with, enjoying life and loving life with? How unfortunate that so many of us have decided that, that is the best way to live. I used to live that way until I decided that it didn't work for me anymore. My question was, 'where is the love', 'where is the respect for each other', and for gosh sake why is there such a lack, nor a desire to understand each other? Is close-mindedness a killer, or what?

Yesterday was one of the first times talking to my dad that it didn't completely ruin my day afterward. Why? Because now I understand that it is ok for me to have my own journey. It is not me that breaks my daddy's heart but rather it is he that is breaking his own heart because of the beliefs he has decided are the only right way. I love my mommy and daddy, and I love them enough to let them be who they are without requiring of them that they need to except me or change their ways or beliefs in order for me to love them. They are doing the best they know and I am doing the best I know, therefor I did not feel hate towards my daddy yesterday, for saying the things he said to me but, rather I feel like I understand where he is coming from. For years I struggled with this. I would either try to make them understand my point of view or I would stay away from them so I don't have to hear their point of view. I have found that when I approach a situation with no point of view that is when I learn the most. I ask questions and I don't feel bad for doing so, it seems to be the things that gets me anywhere fast!

So who broke my daddy's heart? Was it me or him? Does it even matter who it was? Or is the most important thing that I finally understand that it is ok for my daddy to hold the beliefs he does, until he no longer does and I just understand and love him anyway. This frees me up to move on with my life and build the life that is right for me.  Hmmm,, life is interesting to say the least, thats for sure!

 Clara~